Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys

"Really?!" Damakaios, Pungarehu hanyou leader of the Ripa Daneo Freelancers, exclaimed in exasperation.  His companion, a Mikumwes halfling in full plate, shrugged as much as the plate allowed.  "Let 'em try," Naranjos replied, and the hanyou shook his head.

They walked into the back tavern of Freelancers Villa, and Damakaios frowned slightly as he assessed its occupants.  Glesni was too much of an unknown, but Ondar, Nix, and Tai had just returned from chasing down the clockwork owlbears, and Ana and Cathance were at a nearby table.

"You, you, and you," he said, "We need extra presence in the front tavern, and you've not pulled this duty.  Also you two.  You are on tavern security for the next 10 days.  We've learned there's a credible threat of someone creating a ruckus in the leadup to Tumultuous.  Report there after lunch and you're on til it quiets down."

They all sat up, but that was really that.  Naranjos flashed them all a grin and shrugged as he followed Damakaios back upstairs.

<Narrator voice:  quick reminder that Ripa Daneo tag changes in the evening.  So mission was assigned on Rochtag, the evening is Okeanostag>

That evening, Freelancers Tavern hosted an event in one of the larger private rooms:  a book signing.  The long-awaited adventure/romance books, “The Hostage Bargain: A 'why choose?' Romance” and “Slash Fiction”, had finally printed, and Dryali, Hikawera, and Kaikoa were signing copies for fans, with only hints of their normally sardonic manner showing around their eyes.

The tavern was crowded, and our onduty Freelancers, along with Imsh and Naamah, had to keep the crowd there for the book signing moving and orderly.  It was not helped by Dryali, Hikawera, and Kaikoa also working the crowd and milking free alcohol out of them for all its worth.

Cathance, in between orderly interventions in the line, was trying to keep an eye out for anyone using the event as an excuse to case the Freelancers Villa, to cause trouble later.  She noticed some people looking around, but they appeared to be simply too shy to approach the Freelancer stars.

Freelancers Tavern was mostly quiet, although after the dinner crowd thinned out, a belligerent drunk had to be shoved out the door by Tai and Ondar.

Freelancers Tavern filled up early as more and more of The Manticores arrived for a Birt'day Celebration!  It was for Theia of House Lykaion, a young adult human with light brown skin and hair braided into a mohawk.

An expensive night as Theia bought two rounds of drinks for the entire tavern, and The Manticores were made bold by the presence of so many of their fellows.  The onduty Freelancers used a combination of persuasion and intimidation to stop any alcohol-fueled fights before they broke out.

Another quiet night at Freelancers Tavern, which was just as well, since Nix was a bit tired, having ridden Eris, her newly-tamed wyvern, all morning.

Also a quiet night, the onduty Freelancers started to relax.

The afternoon was quiet, but as Freelancers Tavern started to fill up for dinner hour, an old stooped woman entered.  Perhaps she was human; she was leaning on a cane and carrying a lidded cauldron of stew in the other hand.

Her cane clacked loudly on the floor as she entered, and called out in a creaky voice, "Free samples if you can guess the secret ingredient!"  She held up the cauldron.  A ladle was attached.

All the Freelancers, including the bar staff, looked at Ondar.

The big quinametzin walked up to the woman, then handed her a couple silver.  She handed Ondar a ladle full of the stew.  He took it… and made a face.  "This is so not what Ondar is looking for," he declared, "it's revolting!"  As he said it, he crunched on a bone.  Then he felt the soup bolstering him.

Taking the bone from his mouth, he handed it back to the woman.  "I think the secret ingredient is chicken," he told her loudly.  "Noooooo!  That's not secret!" she replied equally loudly, "That's obvious!"

Nix, thoughtfully, cast detect magic, and beyond the Freelancers' gear, she noticed the tavern anti-fire charms, and that the woman has a mix of abjuration and conjuration.  But before she could mention this to anyone, Ana decided to try it.

Walking up to the old woman, the Maker gnome paid her 2sp.  Gleefully, the woman handed Ana the ladle.  "Guess the secret ingredient!"  Ana tried it, and also found it revolting; so revolting, in fact, that instead of getting bolstered like Ondar, she immediately ran to the loo, and stayed there for the rest of the evening, as her body seemed to find new unspeakable ways to reject ingested substances every hour.

Cathance, watching Ana flee, became curious and tried the stew.  It wasn't so bad, and although she wasn't as bolstered as Ondar, she didn't understand at all why Ana ran away.  <Narrator voice:  Shari rolled a nat 20 on her con save.>

Cathance said, "Pennyroyal!"  The old woman replied, offended, "This is for eating!"  Cathance pointedly looked towards the loo where Ana had enclosed herself.  "Not responsible for the delicate stomach," the old woman declared, wagging a finger.

Tai, keeping an eye on the dinner crowd, went to the loo and knocked on the door.  "You okay?" the big Silver dragonborn asked.  Ana's voice was muffled. "Perfectly fine, just a spiritual purge!"  After an entirely different muffled sound, she continued, "But can you bring me water…?"

Tai went to fulfill Ana's request, deciding that he would stay away from the stew in the cauldron, and after Mercury gave the cauldron a smell, Nix also decided to stay away.  However 5 other patrons of the tavern decided to take up the challenge.  In short order all the loos were occupied.

Tai and Nix encouraged Ana to relocate upstairs to the actual Freelancer privies.  She did manage to make it upstairs without any unfortunate events.

Cathance asked, "What's your name, lady?"  The old woman looked sideways, then at the Mikumwes halfling, and said brightly, "Mathilda!"  Cathance's countenance darkened, and "Mathilda" took this to be her invitation to try the cauldron elsewhere.

In the late afternoon, everyone in the tavern heard an organ grinder setup outside, busking for coin.  It was very loud.  Satina looked outside, then said, "There's a Wind sagani with 3 monkeys.  One on shoulder, two dancing at feet."

Tai was suspicious.  Cathance and Ondar looked out the door, to see what Satina had described, and then observe the third monkey pickpocket one of the gathered onlookers.  They looked just long enough to determine the pickpocketing monkeys were not coming into the tavern, then Ondar withdrew to tell the others, and Cathance boldly walked up to the Wind sangani.

"You are blocking our door," she told him importantly. "You should move, so the crowd is not blocking us."  The Wind sagani grumbled, and Nix came out of the tavern.  But he picked up his organ and relocated across the street.

As he moved, Nix touched his shoulder and cast suggestion, whispering, "It would be a good idea to reverse the flow, and have your monkeys put the money back."

When the Wind sagani settled in his new spot, he played different music on the organ, and the monkeys started putting coins back in people's pockets, randomly.

After a quiet afternoon and a pretty calm dinner, the evening progressed with a couple of different groups in the tavern.  In one corner were 3 half-orcs:  a woman and two men at a table of their own.

The woman suddenly stood up and flipped the table, revealing herself to be extremely pregnant.  She freaked out, and it was plain that she was about to be no longer pregnant, as her water had broken, and it was her time.  She swore at the two half-orc men, blaming them both, "This is all your fault!"

Cathance, eyes wide, suggested Nix send Mercury for help, and Nix did so.  However, Ana had not realized the woman's water broke, and parsed these happenings as a lover's quarrel.  She stood on the table and bitch-slapped one of the half-orc men, "How dare you!"

The man exclaimed, "Hey wat!" Tai whispered at Ana, whose eyes widened as she tried to fade back into the others.  To no avail; the freaked out half-orc woman exclaimed, "Don't you be touching my man!" and the other half-orc man, who was a bit preoccupied and hadn't really parsed Ana's actions, just sat there confused.

Tai, after checking the rest of the tavern, started checking who was occupying the private rooms, because birthing assistance was not his jam.  He saw a couple shady people in one of the rooms, and asked them to clear out.

Cathance tried to be soothing to the half-orc in labour.  "Are you okay?  Can we help?  Do you need anything?"  She persuaded them to withdraw to the private room that's open.  As they relocated, Tai noticed the two shady people take over another private room.

At this point Mercury arrived with Naranjos, who immediately signaled to the waitstaff to clean up, then came to the private room.  His eyes widened.  "I'm not sure why cat-with-wings came and got me," he said quickly, "I'll send Eirdrimme or Auala."  He fair ran away.

In short order, Eirdrimme arrived, assessed the situation, and kicked the onduty Freelancers out.  The Cloud elf cleric grabbed one of the wait staff, Kani, to help.  Kani was a Fire sagani of Holder dwarf ancestry, so was particularly suited for hot water and towels and such.

The two half-orc men took turns being in the room and being in the bar.  Ondar devoted his evening to trying to calm them, and stop them from drinking too much.

Much later in the evening, the baby came, and mother and child were resting comfortably.  Everyone in the tavern toasted the new arrival, even Eirdrimme, who probably deserved that drink more than anyone.

After dinner, a talent agent of Carnivale arrived, trying to recruit.  "Free Auditions!" he boomed, "Buy me a drink you can audition for Carnivale!" His hair had 4 unnatural colours:  Bright red, orange, a different orange, and blue.

Ana was suspicious, but Ondar bought him a drink.  He demonstrated juggling and balancing, lifting the cost of the drink from the agent while he was distracted.  The recruiter chugged half his drink, and watched, impressed.

When Ondar finished, the agent nodded, and pulled out a wooden token inscribed with the Carnivale logo and slid it to Ondar.  "Go to the back of Carnivale and tell them Red Kuri sent you!"  Ondar took it and withdrew to watch.

A trio of friends approached Red Kuri.  "We can sing real good, and dance," they told him.  "You can buy me three drinks," he informed them matter of factly.  They bought him a couple shots and a beer, then started.

They were terrible, so terrible.  Red Kuri started laughing, and the entire bar laughed.  When they were done he shook his head, the tips of his parti-coloured hair bobbing with the motion.  "I can't give you a token for that," he told them, "But if you go, they need clowns and stage hands.  Don't tell them I sent you."

Cathance, by this time, was looking around for anyone else with Carnivale, and so did Tai, Nix, and Ana.  Nix noticed a dragonborn and a dwarf off to the side, sharing meat pies and ale, who had reacted with raised eyebrows at Red Kuri's claim to be from Carnivale.  Ondar, meanwhile, studied his token carefully.  It was a round piece of wood, but the inscribed logo was obviously fake.

Tai produced his flugelhorn, which looked small in his hands, and an ale for Red Kuri.  His mashup was appealing, and the agent complimented Tai, but withheld the token. "Flugelhorn is not exactly Carnivale material," he told the Silver dragonborn.

"I have another instrument I can play," Tai offered, "the bagpipes."  Everyone in earshot recoiled.  Cathance immediately cast suggestion, "I suggest you do not play the bagpipes."  <Narrator voice:  David rolled a nat 1 to save> So the Freelancers Tavern was spared getting afflicted by bagpipes audition.

By now Red Kuri was pretty sloshed from all the drinks.  Ondar handed him the wooden token.

Ondar:  thanks for buying drinks for the night!
Red Kuri:  you want to audition again?
Ondar:  actually Ondar's other skill is finding imposters.  Anyone you know?
Red Kuri:  dunno
Ondar:  you sure?
Red Kuri:  thanks for your interest!  Anyone else?
Ondar <became intimidating>:  perhaps take scam elsewhere.
Red Kuri:  well, uh, you have all been lovely, except you [the terrible trio] you're terrible.

Red Kuri left, and shortly after the dragonborn and the dwarf also settled up and left.

Around dinner time, a Dark elf woman and a Rain sagani man made a dramatic entrance to the Freelancers Tavern.  They were bearing two books and two posters.  "We heard about the book signing!" the Dark elf exclaimed excitedly.  "We need!" the Rain sagani added breathlessly.

When Naamah pointed out it was like a full prime later, their faces went from shock to disbelief.  "We missed the book signing!" the Rain sagani repeated dramatically.

Rain sagani:  we need them to sign things.
Dark elf:  books!  Posters!
<The Rain sagani pulled open his shirt dramatically.>
Rain sagani:  my BODY!
Ana:  if you could kindly wait outside, I'm sure I can fetch them, even though it's been a full prime.
Both:  we'll wait here, not outside.
Tai <became intimidating>:  you're disrupting other patrons of the tavern, please wait outside.
Rain sagani <unphased>:  we need to see them.
Dark elf:  have you seen Dryali?  Isn't he dreamy?
Rain sagani:  I need to be friends with Hikawera and Kaikoa – such dreamy specimens of Sagani.
Tai:  they're on a mission.
<Narrator voice:  Dryali, Hikawera, and Kaikoa were not, actually, on a mission.>
<Both stans are distraught.>
Dark elf <crestfallen>:  we missed the signing
Rain sagani <worried>:  on a mission, what if they die?  …they will never SIGN MY SKIN <started crying>
Tai <comfortingly>:  Freelancers always rescue each other…
<Cathance snapped her fingers and gave Tai a hot foot.>
Rain sagani <stopped crying>:  you'll rescue them?

Tai could not deal and walked away, Ana at his side.  "Are these for real?" Ana murmured, and Tai looked over his shoulder.  He shrugged, but Cathance nodded solemnly.  They were for real.

The barkeeps and wait staff were snickering at the drama, and some of the patrons, far from being disrupted, were openly laughing at the big Silver dragonborn.  Oblivious to these reactions, the two stans began plotting how to get them.

Dark elf:  we don't know when they can come back
Rain sagani:  well, we can just stay here!
Cathance:  you're welcome to wait, but please buy a drink

They hastily looked around, found a table, and seated themselves.  Then they bought a pitcher of cheap beer and started sipping it.  "We can make that last," the Dark elf murmured, and they looked at their books and posters.

Ondar had been watching from afar, and seeing them form this undesirable plan he sprang into action.  He loomed over their table and barked like a mercenary drill sergeant, "Okay, why are recruits drinking!  Go clean latrines!"

The two stans looked at Ondar a moment, then at each other.  The Dark elf woman exclaimed, "Oh!  Hey!  We can help the Freelancers, then we could meet them!"  "And hang out forever!" the Rain sagani added happily.  They put their books and posters away, and stood up resolutely.

Ondar led them to the loos, which the staff had refused to clean because of the old woman with the caudron, eeuuuuwww.  The two stans hesitated, but steeled themselves, and set about getting them clean.  Upon seeing this expression of resolve, Tai fled upstairs to warn Dryali, Hikawera, and Kaikoa.

Nix had been staying in the background as well, and she withdrew upstairs as well; not to warn anyone, but to use her hat of disguise to look like Kaikoa.  She waited a little (after all, everyone wanted the loos cleaned and nobody wanted to do it) then came back down to where the pair were industriously cleaning the loos and talking about how the famous Freelancers had better appreciate this.

Nix cleared her throat.  "I heard some of my adoring fans were here!  We happen to have a portrait artist here, but the light is so much better outside."  Hearts in their eyes, the two stans followed "Kaikoa" outside while Nix hoped someone on staff noticed her selfless act and barred the door.

Vying for distance and stalling for time, Nix led them down the street away from Freelancer Villa.  At the far corner of the block was a caricature artist, who was more than happy to take their money to draw them with the famous Kaikoa.  Thus Nix learned the Dark elf was named Eustacia, and the Rain sagani was Arnald.

"This is even better than signing!" Eustacia declared.  But that reminded Arnald, "O wait, will you sign ‒"  Nix signed everything they asked with: "You have my heart -Kaikoa" and then sent them on their way, telling them yes, would love to get letters and wants to hear from them.

Damakaios paid everyone 250gp and never did disclose the threat that had concerned him.  Perhaps, given his emphasis on discretion, he thought the book signing was the threat.  Certainly Naranjos' amusement at it lent credence to the theory.

• Ondar → lvl7!