Wolfkiss My Ass

The scene opens onto a group of Freelancers eating breakfast and complaining. Mostly complaining. Many members of the group were convinced to do some work at the Shrine of the Snake after Mazandyth asked them nicely. Well really, he threatened the Freelancers with his Very Human power to breathe poison on everything. Arnari sent out several groups to address traps, infestations, and general issues at the shrine. The last group has just returned, and they reported that Mazandyth seems very pleased that the Snake thanked him. He did not thank the Freelancers, but at least the head priest did. 

Once everyone has finished whining over coffee, they agree to head up the stairs together to take a mission that will ideally be less awful than the last one. Ka starts trudging up the stairs, leaving Timmy in an excellent position to appreciate his ass, since Timmy’s head reaches up to Ka’s waist. It is an excellent ass, better even than The Mystery Bard With A Good Ass that the Freelancers arrested. Aranel follows in her fine clothes, with Kairos the dwarf stumping along behind while his drake sits on his shoulder. Following them are Maghris, a tuxedo nekomata with retractable claws, and Vin, an ordinary Cloud elf whose fingers certainly do not end in shadowy claws.

When Ka and Timmy enter Arnari’s office, Timmy immediately sits in a plain chair by the window. Ka, however, attempts to sit on the back of a chair with a tall, peacock tail back. He fails miserably, tipping it over and landing hard on his tailbone. Sheepishly righting the chair, he attempts to disappear by sitting in it normally. Aranel sails in, looks down upon Ka’s behavior, and gracefully sits near Arnari’s desk, crossing her ankles like she is preparing to take tea. Kairos attempts to select a comfortable chair, but like all the chairs in Arnari’s office, it is not, in fact, comfortable. Maghris selects his usual chair, the one that accommodates his tail. Finally, Vin slinks in after everyone has sat down and sits on the bearskin rug, burying his hands into it to hide his totally normal fingernails. Somehow Aranel manages not to notice him despite the fact that he is immediately in front of her. 

Once Arnari has set aside her harp, she rifles through the papers on her desk and mentions that the group may be interested in one of the following missions:

• Collecting Hippogriff eggs for House Aldous
• Collecting Griffin eggs for House Liona
• Pollution cleanup at the Pirates Dream River
• Resolving some issues that Ismay Wolfkiss is having with constructing his new inn on the road between Cliffshadow and Cliffgate

Everyone mutters among themselves, stating opinions and debating choices. Maghris resolutely refuses to do any pollution cleanup after his traumatic experience becoming a longhaired cat. Timmy, Kairos, and Vin are intrigued by the idea of helping Ismay Wolfkiss. When Vin speaks up, Aranel jumps a little since she didn’t see him, but says she would also prefer to help Ismay Wolfkiss since it’s the closest mission to civilization.

When the group asks for more information about the inn mission, Arnari clarifies that progress on construction has stalled because Ismay's building supplies keep getting stolen. He’s hoping for Freelancer help to find the stolen materials and stop the thieves so progress can resume. The inn building site is currently a glorified permanent campground, with a few lean tos and fire pits. Ismay is building a proper inn, and he has grand ambitions of turning the area from a road stop into a proper small town. Last time a group of Freelancers went through the area on a pollution mission, the workers were starting to dig out the cellar for the inn building. 

The Freelancers agree to take the inn mission and set off.

The group doubles up on mounts to allow them to travel faster. Timmy rides with Ka on Ohenui, and Aranel rides with Vin on Elizabeth, with Chantley perched proudly on Elizabeth’s head. Unfortunately, the weather is pretty awful, with patches of blue sky before the rain drives into your face again. Thankfully it’s not raining hard enough to make flying difficult, but it’s not pleasant either. Aranel tries to use an umbrella, but it quickly blows away from wind drag. 

As the slightly bedraggled group arrives at the building site, they see that a cellar has been dug out, drained, and covered with tarps. There’s a nearby paddock where the Freelancers begin to take their mounts before being interrupted by a big, burly human man. He is slightly older, and has big mutton chops and wild hair. As the Freelancers are dismounting, he stalks over and half yells “Bah, are you the Freelancers? About time. Find my shit!”

Timmy, assuming the man is Ismay Wolfkiss, tries to smooth over his temper by asking questions about the situation. “What exactly was taken?” he asks, looking around at the piles of lumber, stone blocks, and bricks around the site. Ismay only seems to get angrier as he responds that “the nails and bags of unmixed mortar are going missing, those are the expensive parts of the job, only the big heavy things are left. We’re having to work on the cellar but that’s pretty much all we can do. So fix it!”

Kairos, sick of this man’s temper, simply asks “Oh could you point us to the bathroom then? If we’re supposed to find your shit?” Unable to resist the bait, Timmy gives up on being diplomatic and asks “And have you been able to screw or did those go missing as well?”

Just as Ismay’s face is turning a concerning shade of red, Maghris cuts in to ask if he has seen any tracks. Ismay reluctantly calms down enough to half shout “No of course not, they took all the light stuff. There’s only one bag of mortar left!” while gesturing wildly toward a nearby lean to. Aranel follows up to ask if that’s where he has been keeping the supplies. Ismay rolls his eyes and says “Of course, I sleep right next to it. Well that’s where I would keep things if there was ANYTHING LEFT TO BE KEPT!”

Finally Ismay pauses in his ranting to take several deep breaths that smell of mint and cinnamon. While the Freelancers wait for him to calm down, Maghris wanders over to the lean to, trying to see if he can make out any tracks. Unfortunately, the rain has just turned it into a muddy mess.

Once Ismay seems calmer, Vin asks “When did the thefts occur?”. This time Ismay manages to answer fairly coherently that things were stolen piecemeal. It’s likely he didn’t even notice the first few thefts, but as more things went missing he realized the supplies were getting stolen instead of misplaced. As far as he can tell, the thefts happen every 2-3 nights. Kairos wonders “Are things disappearing by the container or bit by bit? Could something be wrong with the shipments?” but Ismay just shakes his head and answers “No, everything is stolen in its container. I buy a crate of mortar mix bags or nail boxes and check the shipments myself. Whole crates don’t disappear at once, but a bag or two, enough that two or four people could carry it and move quickly.”

Ka asks if Ismay has any business rivals or other people he’s pissed off. After thinking for a bit, Ismay answers “I’m not sure, I came to Duquesne pretty recently though. Before that I was a guard, but I made enough to come home and start a business.” Timmy wonders about his crew and suppliers, and Ismay lets him know that he’s been buying from a bunch of different supplies in Cliffgate and Cliffshadow, wherever he can get the best deal. Ismay also points out his crew of a carpenter, a mason, and two hired hands for general work. “Where do they sleep though?” Timmy follows up. Ismay sighs and says that they have a little camp next to the building site, on one edge of the permanent campsite. He might have to start sending people home soon if he runs out of work for them though. Aranel asks if they keep watch, and Ismay grimaces in response. “We didn’t at first, but we started to recently. Things are still going missing, even though I trust my people.”

With all this information, the Freelancers convene to discuss their options for catching the culprits. Maghris suggests keeping watch on the building site, while Vin is in favor of talking to people in the camp. Aranel nods and says she thinks it’s probably travelers headed through the camp. She suggests brushing out the ground by the lean-to so that we could see any new tracks there. Timmy has the more practical idea that perhaps we should keep watch inside the lean to, and carefully measures it with his Timmy length string to ensure that he knows the exact dimensions. Vin, however, interrupts to say “Perhaps we should go speak to people in the camp. Or maybe I should stay behind. People seem unnerved by me.” His shadow is perfectly stationary, inspiring the rest of the group to follow his advice. 

The Freelancers split up to roam the camp, with Timmy, Ka, and Ohenui staying together. As everyone looks closer, they get a good sense that most of the people staying there are merchants going along the road. They have all sorts of different cargoes, even a House Haheo caravan with valuable marsh herbs and a lot of bored guards. There’s also a group of bards passing through on their way to our from the conservatory who have started up a nice little party. 

Nothing is particularly suspicious, and when Timmy asks a few of the more experienced travelers how they feel about the inn, it’s clear that they’re pretty excited for it. Even if they decide not to sleep there, at least they’ll get a nice hot meal. Maghris asks around about whether there have been any other thefts, but it doesn’t seem like it’s been much of an issue. Sure things get left and then disappear, but it’s not a big city where stuff gets STOLEN stolen. 

While Aranel is talking to a group of traders from Lakeview selling pungent dried fish, she notices Ohenui trying to sidle up and steal a snack. Thankfully the traders don’t mind too much since Ohenui has become a bit of a local celebrity in Lakeview. When Ka calls Ohenui on his very lame attempted theft, Ohenui just makes huge begging eyes until Ka buys him a fishy treat.  Meanwhile, Aranel has wandered off to make friends with the bards and play duets. They’re very excited for the inn to be finished so they can stay there. 

By the time Ohenui has finished his snack, it’s nighttime and everyone starts to settle in. Except for Aranel, that is, who has to be fetched from the bard party. While Vin goes to get her, Maghris takes a few minutes to booby trap a bag of nails and a bag of mortar with Magical Tinkering so that they yell “HEY PUT THAT BACK” when they are touched. Somewhere, many miles away, a press ganger is relieved to realize that his boots don’t smell anymore. 

The Freelancers take up watches overnight. During the first watch, Timmy and Vin attempt to subtly keep an eye out. While they don’t notice anything strange, they are completely unsubtle about watching, even though Timmy believes he has successfully embodied a wooden crate. During the second watch, Kairos and Ka notice that the bard party has died down but nothing else interesting happens. During the third watch, Aranel manages to do a very good fake sleep until she actually falls asleep, while Maghris is very obviously keeping an eye out. 

When morning arrives, Timmy checks that everything is the same as it was last night, which it is. The party discusses how to proceed, with Maghris suggesting checking on the surrounding area. Timmy would prefer to keep an eye on the camp to see who stays or goes. Aranel suggests spreading a rumor that the Freelancers got bored waiting for the thieves and intend to leave so that the thieves drop their guard. Eventually, The Freelancers resolve to split up. Maghris, Vin, and Kairos leave to search the woods for thieves. Timmy and Aranel decide to speak to people in the camp. Ka and Ohenui are mostly just tired and decide to get a few beers and keep watch on the lean to with the remaining supplies.

While Ka and Ohenui keep watch, they don’t see anything interesting. Admittedly, Ohenui is mostly focused on his bear beer bowl and Ka is mostly interested in resisting his pathetic “I would like more beer” face. Instead, the pair just drinks beer and naps and watches Ismay and his workers excavate the cellar. Thankfully the beer helps ward off the cold a bit, since it’s another day with a nasty cold wind.

Both Ka and Ohenui are startled awake from their naps, though, when a worker grabs a bag of mortar and Maghris' voice yells at top volume “HEY PUT THAT DOWN” and mortar-fies the laborer. The laborer immediately shouts for Ismay, who arrives at a run and tries to pick up the bag, causing it to shout again. The pair then curiously pokes the bag to try and understand what is happening, before giving up and just emptying out what they need from the bag. But even when it’s empty and they finally put it away, it keeps yelling. A rather annoyed Ismay finally drags the bag off to a midden as it yells “HEYHEYHEYHEYHEY”, allowing Ka and Ohenui to go back to sleep.

As Timmy and Aranel leave for the camp, they ask Ismay about who is investing in his inn. With a 10 and 19 persuasion, Timmy starts the conversation a bit awkwardly, but Aranel manages to smooth it over. They manage to learn that Ismay was previously a guard, and participated in a major combat action where he managed to defend someone he was guarding against terrible odds. Timmy presses Ismay on whether that combat might have won him any enemies, but Ismay clarifies that the only enemies killed were beasts, and his slain comrades all received a wereguild for their families. As far as Aranel and Timmy can tell (19 and 18 insight), Ismay is certainly leaving some things out, but he’s not lying about his story.

As they head out to talk to people in the camp, Aranel makes sure to tell Ismay that she will be circulating a rumor that the Freelancers are leaving, but they will be staying at least another night. Ismay nods seriously and responds with an Extremely Subtle Wink. Aranel also asks if Ismay found anything odd when his crew was digging out the cellar, but he shakes his head and says it was just dirt and a few rocks. The pair then heads out to the camp to spread rumors about their departure. 

Timmy strikes up a conversation with a halfling couple selling fried fish, and orders eight fish sticks with cocktail sauce, which Aranel sticks to a more reasonable three. While their orders fry, Timmy asks if they have many return customers. Rolling her eyes, one woman points out a strange fourth fish sauce that smells of seitan, and explains that they keep it around specifically for House Haheo carters. They seem to have some kind of bet where anyone who flinches at the strange taste loses and has to pay a forfeit. Nodding emphatically, her partner mentions that they get a bunch of carters, and sometimes someone on a flying mount stops for lunch as well. As they leave, Aranel makes sure to mention to Timmy where the halflings can hear that they plan to leave today.

To wash down the fish sticks, Timmy and Aranel stop for hot cider but don’t pick up any more information, just the bartender complaining about all the same carters. They at least manage to continue spreading their rumor. Timmy suggests talking to the Oatmonger, reaper of wild oats in their Oat Truck, and asking if anything has been different lately with their customers. Aranel helps him open up with a 28 perception, and it’s clear that everything is pretty normal except that the Oatmonger and his partner are worried about the inn. They tell Aranel in great detail about how they are considering building a true structure instead of the Oat Truck, or wondering if they need an entirely new business. It seems like other people are also uncertain about how to proceed, even if they’re excited for the inn to be finished. 

Once Aranel and Timmy have finished their errands, they return to the inn camp. Timmy is mostly focused on keeping all those fish sticks down after eating eight of them. Thankfully, his stomach merely gurgles loudly while he tries to rest, and the others need to turn away from the strength of his fish stick farts.

The trio of Freelancers mounts up to fly over the rolling hills and copses of trees. They’re mostly interested in looking for traces of thieves, like a camp or obvious drag marks. Unfortunately, Vin is distracted because he’s pretty convinced that the shadows of the trees are moving independently, so he really doesn’t want to look that much closer. Maghris, not being very good in the wild, doesn’t see anything out of the ordinary, just some game trails winding through the hills. However, Kairos does spot a group of three or four people walking parallel to the road instead of on it, which he finds strange. They’re pretty well hidden, though, so he wonders if they’re just out hunting. They’re headed from Cliffgate towards the camp, and will probably make it by nightfall.

Kairos circles a bit closer, though he’s still trying to make sure that Catherine looks like a wild pegasus instead of someone looking at the group. At that distance, he can confirm that there are four people, but doesn’t see much else. 

After their less than helpful flying mission, the three Freelancers fly back to camp to rest with the others. As soon as Maghris gets back and sees the tossed aside mortar bag, he helpfully tinkers a new mortar bag instead. Just as he completes the ritual words, Ismay sees him and interrupts with a shouted “You!”. When he hurriedly picks up the old bag though, it no longer reacts since Maghris’ tinkering lifted the enchantment off the previous bag. Not really realizing that he scared the workers, Maghris delightedly explains that he had set alarms on the bags, and points out the new ones that he tinkered with. Ismay and his workers take a large and not so subtle step back from the bags so they don’t get yelled at again. 

With the traps set, the Freelancers turn in for the night, sleeping near the supply hut and setting watches. They decide to try and be subtle about the watches so as to not alert the thieves. Timmy and Vin take the first watch, and don’t notice anything interesting. Kairos and Ka take the second watch, and while Kairos is too busy pretending to sleep to pay attention to anything, Ka sees some shadows coming out the woods. Slowly they resolve into a group of three or four people before Ka hears a shout of “HEY PUT THAT DOWN HEY PUT THAT DOWN HEY PUT THAT DOWN” and a bout of not terribly creative swearing. After some more thuds and rustling noises, pretty much everyone is awake, including both the Freelancers, Ismay, and Ismay's crew. They can all clearly see four people running into the woods, and the Freelancers jump up to give chase. Kairos, Maghris, Ka, and Vin immediately run to their mounts and take to the air. Aranel and Timmy chase after the figures on the ground.

As the Freelancers give chase, the four figures acrobatically dodge through the trees and start to fan out. It’s a fairly bright night because of the approaching Duquesne and Pembroke conjunction, so both the fleeing people and the pursuing Freelancers can see pretty clearly. The runners have a bit of a lead, however, since they were warned that things were going to go wrong as soon as a bag of mortar started yelling at them. Thankfully, Aranel manages to target them with a Faerie Fire, so that two of the figures have a sparkling blue outline. 

Aranel, Kairos, and Maghris then pursue the two figures that are not glowing. Aranel calls out to them, saying “there’s no use running!”, but they don’t seem to respond at all. Meanwhile Kairos and Maghris try to anticipate where they might be running to. As they get closer, Aranel and Kairos try to sneak up on the two figures while Maghris looks for their tracks. While Aranel and Kairos are fairly successful in staying hidden, Maghris somehow becomes confused by some rabbit tracks and wanders completely off course. Eventually, Kairos is able to sneak around the two figures and cut them off, blocking their way for long enough for Aranel to catch up and take the other one down while Maghris lags behind.

Meanwhile Ka, Timmy, and Vin pursue the glowing figures. While Ka dodges acrobatically through the trees and Timmy mostly follows in his footsteps, Vin gets stuck trying to push his way through a shrub. Distracted by the sound, Ka runs headfirst into a tree, though Timmy manages to mostly dodge around him. While Vin is able to break out of the bush in a sudden burst of strength, he starts to tire soon after and is just keeping pace with the two figures. Ka calls to Ohenui, who roars in response, scaring the figures for long enough that Timmy is able to epically tackle one to the ground and allow the other two Freelancers to catch up and grab the other. 

The Freelancers call out to each other and meet up with their prisoners. As Maghris finally runs up panting, he shouts “HEY PUT THAT DOWN” and all the strangers jump in surprise before realizing that they are being menaced by a fluffy cat. Unfortunately, Maghris appearance undermines Timmy’s attempts to convince the strangers that the Freelancers will smash their kneecaps if they don’t answer questions. Ohenui looming behind them is a much more effective deterrent against attacking the Freelancers, so the group is able to pat them down for weapons without incident. They only have two low quality daggers, a slightly rusty scimitar, and two light crossbows. 

The man that was holding the scimitar seems to be in charge, for what it is worth, as the other strangers keep looking hopefully at him. When Timmy pats him down again, he finds a bottle of Daystar lotion, which he almost drops in disgust after his negative experience with Daystar elementals.  Rummaging through his pack, Timmy pulls out a clay jug and starts threatening to break it over the man’s head while rambling about “Damn lotion! Those elementals!”. The man is mostly confused by Timmy, but when Ohenui looms up behind him, he starts talking. He explains that his name is Injerto and admits that he was stealing building supplies, though he somewhat sulkily insists it wasn’t a big deal. 

Aranel skeptically mentions that what they were stealing was peculiarly specific for petty theft. Injerto merely shrugs and says that they were taking anything small and light. Besides, he insists, “I needed the money for Daystar lotion! It’s very soothing for my nerves!”. Aranel is mostly confused by the sheer idiocy present in this forest tonight. When she tries to ask Injerto where he’s buying the lotion, he just moans about how he would be in “soooooooo much trouble if I told!”. 

The assembled Freelancers try to lean on Injerto and the others to get more information. Unfortunately, Vin’s efforts to make friends are completely ruined by his completely static shadows that do not intimidate anyway. Timmy once again tries to threaten Injerto with a clay mug, but only manages to wave it around like a drinking song. Their only saving grace is Kairos and Ka’s good cop/bad cop routine, with Ohenui looming in the background as a bonus scary cop. 

The other three people swear up and down that they’re just working with Injerto, who supplies them with delightful lotion for… purposes. Injerto isn’t nearly scared enough to give up his supplier, because then he wouldn’t be able to get any more lotion! But he’s willing to say that he sold all the stuff that the group stole and used the money to buy his “awesome” scimitar and a ton of lotion for all of them. He complains about how he had to turn to crime after leaving his guard position at the Church of Storms. Remembering the Swan Inn incident, the Freelancers ask Injerto if perhaps he shared information about the guard schedule at the Church of Storms. Injerto defensively admits that he might have told “a friend or two”, then realized after the attack that things might look bad and decided to leave town. No matter how much the Freelancers lean on him, it comes out that he doesn’t actually know who he is buying lotion from. He simply goes to a specific bar, leaves some money in a spot, then picks up the package the next morning. Injerto is pretty sure even the barkeeper doesn’t know what the package is, just that he’s acting as a drop location.

After prying as much information as possible from Injerto, the Freelancers convene to plan how they will deal with the dumb as a bag of rocks Daystar worshippers they have apprehended. After some discussion, the group resolves to bring them back to Cliffshadow with them. Ohenui still scares the lotion aficionados enough that they’re willing to go along with it for now. Thankfully, the Freelancers’ flying mounts allow the group to easily catch any escapees if they decide to run for it. 

After camping overnight with Ismay and his workers, the Freelancers get their prisoners together in the morning, tying their hands and reminding them not to fall out of line. Ismay takes great delight in shaking his fist at the Daystar worshipers and cursing at them, mentioning to Aranel that he’s grateful the thefts will be over, even if the whole thing doesn’t really make sense to him. Ismay pays each Freelancer 100 eagles and asks them to give Arnari the Freelancer’s cut. Aranel thanks him for the opportunity as the group starts the long trudge home. 

On the return journey, a few of the prisoners attempt to make a run for it. Being neither clever nor fast, though, the Freelancers keep them in line with little trouble. The only useful information they can give up, though, is that they suspect that whoever was buying their stolen goods might be trying to build something. 

When the group finally returns to Cliffshadow and heads for the Church of Storms, Aranel grandly announces at the gate that “we have brought the Typhoon a present!” Her entrance is somewhat ruined by the fact that Adrian Bryant meets the group instead, since Typhoon Waiola is taking a well earned vacation to play windslide with baby elementals. However, Adrian immediately recognizes Injerto. When the Freelancers explain that he had fallen in with Daystar worshippers, Adrian shakes his head sadly and promises that he and his companions will be treated for Daystar lotion addiction. He also rewards each of the Freelancers with 100 eagles, since he appreciates knowing how the Daystar cult attackers knew the guard schedules.

Finally, the group can trudge back to the tavern to rest and try to think of ways to make their “adventure” sound much more exciting and challenging than it really was. And try to leave off the part with the farts.